Archive for December, 2015

The Golden Goose

goose-golden-egg

Almost a couple of years ago, I took a sharp stainless knife, sank it into the neck of the golden goose, spilled out its rather lacklustre blood while I watched it gasp for life till it died.

Was it rational? Did it make sense to kill that precious little avian that produces one priceless golden egg per day? Common sense and rationality said No, greed said yes; but knowing how loud the proverbial demon on the shoulder is, it outshouted and drowned the small soft voice of the good conscience and in a moment of weakness and/or blatant stupidity, I allowed it. Now I’m totally soaked in guilt, knowing nobody would take my side if I tell my story. I will not take my side when I hear my story.

Of course I did not literally slaughter a golden goose, or any goose; for if I have one I’d let it multiply and build a huge golden poultry, but I’m not here to build castles and sell unicorns. I had a treasure, I lost it. Then came the “mistake”, the one we generally blame the devil for. She wasn’t very pristine as my friend sings, or “noble” in my eyes, but she agreed to date me. Then came a moment she was mushy and I was reckless. Emotions were on overdrive, weather was right, mood was right and the music was perfect. We consummated; I took that dive without a swimming suit.

In my mind, it was a smash and grab; life continued in golden fashion till she texted me that her period was late. For a moment the clocked stopped and there was silence in my head, a rare occurrence. See, I’ve always been a baby enthusiast believe me, but I found no joy in the news because it was happening to me and I was just so overwhelmed with the thoughts of the consequences, so I sought the advice of my friend. That my friend, my trusted ally and the author of my current pain; he told me to deny the pregnancy to buy time, so as to find a creative solution. Like a lizard on the wall I nodded, because after 3 bottles of Guinness extra smooth (big), everything sounds like a good advice. But you know, a lie started has to be followed up by series of lies till you get caught up in the web of lies that you start to believe it yourself. You only keep up, you don’t catch up or back track: A less than wondrous mess.

I lost out on the joy of a father, I lost the pleasure of a lover, I lost out everything I’d ever wanted and refused to take responsibility for my actions. All because I was afraid, afraid of what the world would say, afraid I won’t get their approval, afraid to be my own man. At most she needed my love, at least she deserved my respect and she got none from me. I had put her through physical and emotional pain, and this made her legitimise my denial of the pregnancy. How can one life be allowed to contain so many mistakes? On my road to Babylon, nobody stopped me.

Now she’s happy! I see the beautiful baby girl every day; well, through a friend’s Facebook profile as my sorry self has been blocked. My daughter looks so lovely, radiant and does not bear my name. I cannot give her an identity because I ran away when they both needed me the most and I denied them thrice before the cock crowed. I’d live a life full of regrets and “would have beens” if I don’t get a chance to right the wrong that I’d done. Do I even deserve that chance?

I listened to a silly advice; I broke the trust of a girl who gave herself to me, and spurned the chance of pure joy and happiness every day. I have no reason, no defence; I took delight in the moment rather than the commitment.

I the golden goose of legend, and now I have no golden eggs in my life anymore.

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