Archive for January, 2012

When It All Began

So where did it all come from?

I’m not talking about how boiled egg was discovered because that is one of the wonders of the world; whoever was watching a chicken lay something oval, boiled it and ate it must have a very good reason not to walk his continent naked. Though a chicken is involved in the story on the long run, it’s not solely about it. There are different world views about how the world came to being and how the whole complexity of human existence was birthed. Simplistic as it may sound, it could make for good humour or deep thought; both of which are worthless on the long run. I just had so much fallow period in my hand that I looked into it. Let’s go back to the beginning.

I’m from the world view that believes in Genesis 1:1. Simple at. Other religions hold their beliefs and the humorous part was the one that came to my head in a very inappropriate time this morning; NO, not in the toilet, a very inappropriate place for thinking about things like that. The most indefinitive and infinitely flawed explanation is the ones used by the free thinkers; the big bang theory. Who and what was banging what and who? It’s strange but every human in this world have a right to hold on to their idiocy/belief. Big bang, it even sounds like the title of some Japanese interracial gay porn.

I was talking about the humorous one when the big theory almost banged (beat) my head. It’s the one my teacher (bless his soul; not sure if he’s alive though) explained: My Yoruba teacher. The story of how Oduduwa (that’s his name. Awesome) was sent to the world hanging down from a chain from heaven like Sylvester Stallone in his Rambo days holding the most valuable things he could bring from heaven. It wasn’t his blackberry and carton of beer, it was a chicken (yeah, the egg laying creature), a measure of sand (handful of sand in snail shell according to legends) and a palm kernel seed (yeah, I know).

Oduduwa came down the chain with the theme song of an action film (gen gen), holding the polybag/Ghana-must-go of the three most valuable items ever that he was holding; how else do they wanna explain someone coming down on a chain holding three items, it won’t be in one hand obviously. So the man saw that there was water all across the face of the earth, big deal, he already had genetically improved sand (yes) in his hand and as he neared the end of the chain, he poured the handful down on the waters and the thing stood (remember they were genetically improved). Next action was set for the avian. It used its feet to spread the sand across the face of the water. Seriously, it’s like the most awesome piece of myth ever! Then the big guy Oduduwa still hung on the chain. Bad guy. The chicken spread what he could and probably died after forming the continents; hence why we have oceans. Perfecto!

The next item on the mandate given to the man was palm kernel. He dropped down and told the person holding chain up there to fuck off. That one angrily took away the chain; else Nigerian government would have deregulated that upstream/downstream sector. Then he planted palm kernel in strategic locations, the reason he skipped Malaysia is still an issue the jury is out on. So palm is technically the first plant to grow on the earth. Now that was the end of season 1 and I got to JSS2 and didn’t get to know the sequel. So I just assume the dude was lonely and a chic was dropped for him and they had kids. Then the chicken was found, resuscitated it laid an egg. Then things morph and weather conditions made cows and snakes out of chicken eggs. Now we know Oduduwa was the first guy to see egg from a chicken arse and thought it would be tasty when cooked.

Hilarious in totality and leaves so much space for liver damaging laughter. How on earth do you come down via chain, or get genetically engineered sand before planting palm seeds that now morphed to create all other plant form. Don’t ask more because I have no idea. It was just hilarious to me as a kid and remembering it in church today just made me laugh out loud on the inside (with a straight face on the outside). I apologise to you people that believe the whole Oduduwa mythology; not for my slander, but for your ‘intelligence’. Dude on chain with chicken, sand and palm kernel; Epic.

So to my final question, who is finer, Halle Berry or Rita Dominic?


Occupying State of Mind

For those days they called us a mistake, those times we were said to walk in vain, we know we have a goal and we have to keep marching in. Two historical weeks in the lives of Nigerians followed by a hollow day that the NLC and its gay partner TUC decided to complete the cycle of mistrust that characterises the national body.

It’s hugely depressing and totally disappointing that the call for good governance would seem to have been submerged by the bodies we thought would fight for our right. Transparency, rule of law and its cousins had left the country long ago and their wicked step mom(whom you know by firstname) had stepped up to the plate. Occupy Nigeria was birthed to fight corruption and will always do so. It may have looked like the movement has lost the battle, but the occupy movement is a state of mind, we don’t die we multiply and we will win the war. I wasn’t part of those that started it, but we all know our country needs a sweep through to chase the crazy bald heads out of town. The struggle can’t be said to be exactly fruitful, lots of lives were lost and petrol price increased by N32 with absolutely no rational. Didn’t NLC get the N65 or nothing’ memo?

But how long will we let this burn, how long will we let sentiments and ethnicity cloud our judgement of things? In the thick of the protest, some people still found reasons from their infinite depth of foolishness to hate the movement. It’s really sad. To move forward as a country, we need to cleanse the system. It begins with you and I. Occupy your mind and free it from corruption; it will grow into an aura and affect those around you. Yes, good can be contagious. Not only cough has that capacity.

We’ve been pushed down to our knees; we’ve been bruised right to the point of breaking that we couldn’t take it. But we will get back to our feet. We have bled and we have the scars to prove it, we have grown balls as a people and I pray we have the heart no to lose it. We have been proverbially gang raped as a people and have been violated of our rights, but we will rise through the ashes of betrayal and fight for our own rights. They have all the right friends in all the right places; we have all the right moves in all the right spaces, and we know who is going down.

The fight against corruption continues, the fight for good governance continues, the fight for a better future for our children continues. Do not keep quiet! Rant till you are heard from even the rat holes. We have come of age and the snitches don’t have anything on us. We are more than we are, we are citizens of this great country and we have a voice. We have been let down again by the same generation that have refused to stand up for themselves and we have found ourselves in the soup bowl again.

I will always treasure the days I joined the protest in Ojota; the crowd, the atmosphere, the yearnings of the people for good living. It will be a memory in my heart and the picture will be shown to my kids as the time we defied all odds and opined about the down trodden truth. Untouchable memories.

We do what we do, we march on. It’s a state of mind; we don’t die, we occupy!


Occupy Nigeria on the International Scene

During the whole occupy Nigeria protest period, how many of us actually expected #occupyNigeria to trend worldwide, a large sum of us. Did it happen? No. For a couple of days, it wasn’t even trending in Lagos. Irrelevant you might think. We all went to CNN’s page to fill the i-Report thing, hoping that by bringing the information to the dinner table of the international audience, we would have some aces in our deck. Did CNN show it? Was it on their front page? No. They did not cover the protest; rather they concentrated on the bombings happening in some areas of the country. They didn’t take notice, until…..

The naked untrained eye might not read too much to this, but do you think it is pure coincidence that the government actually didn’t take the protest seriously until PENGASSAN decided to join the strike? Nah, I think not. And I kid you not, that singular act has brought international eyes on us. International = America.

Nigeria supplies America an ample amount of crude oil, the stocks of these American companies hinge on oil field activities in Nigeria. It’s a case of our leaders’ insensitivity to its people, but eye wide attention to the foreign audience. America never intervened and never said anything about it, until people threatened to sell their shares in their oil companies and fuel prices started increasing marginally, knowing that with the impending shutdown of the oil fields, the companies will lose money. Even their government had to reassure the people that they would look into Nigeria’s matter and urged them not to sell their shares (maybe our government could learn something about communication from them). Our government quickly asks for NLC to come and negotiate (I hate that word in this context) so that there could be a resolution earlier than later and the next thing is, CNN put the protest news at the home page of their website. Finally, we got what we needed, the attention.

Do we know the import of these series of events? Definitely or maybe. What the occupy Nigeria movement has been about is not only the fuel subsidy issue, it’s about wastage, corruption and some comical rounds of spending (white dinosaur budget). What do we need to achieve our aim of good governance, get the government to listen to us while we have their attention. Right now, we hold the aces; we have to make demands about what kind of government we want. If Labour should agree a deal with the FEC tomorrow that does not address corruption and wastages, we are back to square one as it were. If the strike goes on by Monday, we have all the right moves in all the right places. What we need is not fuel only subsidy reinstatement, at the very least; we need our refineries working, we need electricity, we need corruption thrown away and past corrupt office holders prosecuted, we want to be able to trust the government again, we need transparency, we want their excessive spending to be slashed and we certainly deserve a better Nigeria.

Airing an unpopular view here, subsidizing isn’t healthy for the economy whatsoever, but before the removal is done if the refineries are fixed and new ones are built. That way, removal of subsidy would make premium sense and the people will enjoy it. But that policy won’t cut it when 80% of the population depend on this particular commodity daily. Knowing that the oil in Nigeria has a shelf life (estimated 5o years), we need to thread on the egg shells carefully. The average man on the street do not want to know economics, he needs fuel. If all necessary things are put in place, I would personally demand we stop importing fuel.

Kathleen Ndongmo shared on twitter that we need to articulate our demands. We really need to do that ( I believe). What I believe is, right now, the government will listen to us because they cannot afford the oil field to be shut down, it doesn’t come back on at the pull of a switch, lots of money would be lost and their credibility would be called into question, but it would be known in this country and beyond that the people cut of its profitability to fight corruption. Our dignity restored.

America do not want their company shares to sink, neither can they afford any increase in the price of gasoline. We do not want our country to drown in corruption; we have a chance to hold out for a greater future provided the oil fields get shut down. I do not in any means want my country to lose money, but if that is the only way to get their attention, then we will maximise it. We now have all the right friends in all the right places.

God Bless Nigeria and God bless our leaders (I really mean that)

Church in 2 Minutes

Of course the preacher was talking about seeking first the Kingdom of God for the New Year, but that was what entered my head at best. What I was seeing was indeed the Kingdom of God. All blue place with golden stands and snow white brightness with Jerusalem bells ringing and angelic voices singing, a place with beautiful compartments and apartments with all the right sizes in all the right spaces; a place with great roads that are curved and straight in the right way with silver lining. The Kingdom of God I was seeing had red earrings on.

Lovely air clear fair skinned flesh between the shoulders and the neck region bounded by an alluring blue native attire, a red beaded necklace and silver coloured head tie, leaving some night dark hair peeking out of the head tie. The head gear looked like a space ship designed by aliens that possessed technologies 2,000 years more advanced than we. I saw sparkles in the sky that was her head gear, could have been real or a figment of my beautiful mind. Now I know where Lagbaja got his inspiration from. Good head on shoulders, i was already drawn into a world compared to heaven already and I was yet to see her face.

The church stoop up for prayers and, the elegant piece of remembrance from God that he still moves in mysterious ways, also stood graciously to reveal what could make the rich richer, and the poor poorer. Beauty, just like freshly brewed beer and purely distilled alcohol. The blue dress hanging on her delicately sharp curves with the inward bending of her body and the outward continuation down the figure. Hell was gone and heaven came. I shouldn’t have seen the hands, really shouldn’t have looked. From the beads, wrist bands to the necklace and earrings, it was like the world we live in was in perfect harmony with every other living thing; the world was smiling back at me through her accessories.

Didn’t move, didn’t turn. I didn’t stare away. It was one of those moments in life where you are ready to go to jail for your faith and catch a grenade. For once, I felt the song by Bruno. I’ll swallow a grenade for this one, implode, belch it out and shout halleluyah. I was tripping for a faceless body at the risk of liking a butterface. What if she looked gorgeous and had a hideous face? I pondered in my head; quite aimlessly too.

Then the inevitable occurred, she turned. My heart skipped a beat, my ease closed ad she greeted the person next to her, her mouth slowed and my mind soared. Fully turned, I was shocked; it wasn’t what I was expecting. I shouted “blood of jisos” in my heart and turned away my gaze. Caught a glimpse and how dare I stare!!! Her face was deeper than a symphony, broader than science and brighter than art. Mother Nature’s work of perfection. A face that defies everything English can use to contain it; all lined with blue eye shadow, thick eye lashes and red lipstick.

Still in awe of the heavenly experience of a celestial body in our terrestrial space, a tap came to my shoulder and met a frown on my face. “It’s time to go home” unawesomely came the words to my ears, like a slave trade language. My vexation level immediately rose. Got home to the inglorious news of grossness on TV; screw that!! She’s awesome! But what a spectacle to see on a new year day.